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Your letter mentions whether there’s a specific queer angle on this dilemma and it’s something I have also thought a lot about. I do think, in general, queer people are better at negotiating some things than straight people. Our communities are often smaller and tightly knit, and the Just another child-free day shirt but I will buy this shirt and I will love this scenes where we may find sexual partners will tend to be the same ones in which we socialize. We are more likely to have besties we’ve banged once or twice, we will likely see more than one ex on a night out and tend to be less enamored with monogamy in our relationships. So it’s more common among us to have a robust conceptual distinction between regular sex and a relationship. Basically, I think we do have some better tools to deal with sex outside of a traditional couple unit without everyone losing their minds, but the mere fact of being queer doesn’t mean we are all good at using those tools. They still require a high degree of emotional maturity, ability to communicate with each other clearly and repeatedly, and a degree of chill that frankly a lot of us messy bitches lack. (I firmly include myself here.) Without knowing you and your friend personally it’s hard to say whether you have the ability to manage this situation with the requisite level-headedness.

The risks in your situation are that one of you starts to fall in love with the Just another child-free day shirt but I will buy this shirt and I will love this other and it’s not reciprocated or that, longer term, one of you starts having sex with someone else and it leads to feelings of bitterness, rejection, or jealousy. I’m not going to outright tell you to stop having sex as I think that’s not realistic. (It may even be counterproductive: What is sexier than forbidden fruit?) But I think you need to both look at mitigating these dangers. Spending some time apart and trying to build distinct social lives while in Mexico might help take some intensity out of your dynamic. I would also recommend you both pick up the phone to your separate friends at home and share with them how you’re feeling about things, so that the whole thing doesn’t feel like a strange little secret between the two of you. I think you both need to make room for talking explicitly about what happens when the six months is up and you’re both back home in your daily lives, too. The return home will be a watershed moment for whether you take the sexual relationship forward or leave it behind in the sun. Uncomfortable, exposing conversations now are a necessary evil in assuring you still have a friendship for another 12 years.

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